Why Instagram Helps Me Be A Better Mom

As I get older (and I pray wiser) with each passing year, I’ve become surprisingly more settled in my own skin. This comfortableness that I’ve found within myself in the past year or so is like a warm hug that I’ve been craving for so many years…and I am welcoming it with open arms.

You see, I’m a perfectionist. And for many more years than I care to admit, I’ve been completely stressed out about it because when you have perfectionism issues, you are actually never satisified. Ever. There are many reasons why I dislike being this way, but for me, the real problem with being a perfectionist is that to the outsider, it looks and sounds like I’m just completely anal retentive and stuck up and annoying. But in reality, that’s the farthest thing from the truth.

As a kid, my perfectionism led me to be placed in several Honor’s and AP classes, being in 5,000 activities, and being a fairly stressed out young adult. It also triggered some pretty wild OCD tendencies in me that I managed to hide from everyone but my sister. I can laugh about it now, but as a young adult, it completely freaked me out, especially since I never would have thought to tell anyone about it…because that would mean that I wasn’t perfect. Let’s just say that I had a peculiar fondness for “evens” over “odds”, I was compelled to flip light switches on and off constantly, my closets and drawers were organized by color, size and fabric, and I had an insatiable need to erase messy handwriting in my notebooks (over and over and over again).

Anyways, as an adult, I have learned many coping skills (like leaving messes on purpose) that have allowed me to deal with my perfectionism issues and focus more on an attitude of Healthy Striving. I’ve also learned to accept my issues because they make me – well, me. But unfortunately, from time to time, they have also gotten in the way of me being the best parent that I can be. (See? There I go again…needing to be perfect.) Needless to say, I have had to teach myself – with a very firm hand – that parenting isn’t even remotely about perfection. And in my humble opinion, parenting is done best when you do make mistakes so that you can learn from them and try not to make them again.

But when we started this blog, I was a bit, ahem, obsessed. I was forcing my sister to post with me every single day, while we had four little kids, all under three years old, running around underfoot. My perfectionism was rearing its ugly head and I had to squash it, but I wasn’t sure how to tackle it because I wanted us to succeed. I wanted us to have a beautiful, inspiring blog. I wanted us to be perfectly lovely, 50’s-esque, stay-at-home-moms with perfectly clean homes and well manicured lawns, and children that didn’t look like ragamuffins when their father’s came home. But that wasn’t reality. That wasn’t Healthy Striving. That was unrealistic.

It wasn’t until my sister told me that she was starting to resent the blog (and me) that I realized that my perfectionism issues had gotten way out of control, once again. (That’s the funny thing about perfectionism – sometimes you don’t realize it’s reared its ugly head again until someone blatantly points out that you’re acting like an impossibly difficult, control freak. Thanks Daniele!) Around this time, Instagram had become wildly popular, and after some serious soul-searching, I decided to let go of my need to be perfect.

I painfully realized that I didn’t need to stage every single picture and every single post. I didn’t need to comb my wildabeast daughter’s hair, or shove my son into a stylish monkey suit, just so I could snap them eating an ice cream cone…and post it to our followers. If the craft that I had been working on with them was an epic fail (believe me, there have been many), it was okay to post it…as a complete failure. If the recipe that I spent hours on tasted like garbage, it was okay to shoot it and tell it like it was. And if my kids had boogs running out of their noses from a day of playing outside – and I snapped a picture – well so be it. In case you didn’t know, kids have boogers – lots of them.

The relief that came from letting go of (most of) my perfectionism issues (and my need to carry my Nikon D5000 with me everywhere I went) was pretty fantastic. I mean, I love my “real” camera with all my heart – and my iPhone will never compare in quality or clarity, but it’s okay. When we go on vacation, or somewhere special, I unpack my beautiful gift from my husband and tout her around like a happy, dorky tourist. But for now, when I’m at home – I leave it packed carefully away inside of it’s case.

You see, as a mom, and a blogger, Instagram and its many filters and frames has allowed me to be much more carefree. I am no longer spending hours photoshopping pictures so that they are perfect, or resizing ad nauseum. I just shoot, slap on a filter and then upload it into my post. It may be a bit over-pixelated, and sometimes the frame may be a bit too heavy, but you know what – it’s okay. Because in all reality, my sister and I write this blog for us. And if the day comes when someone wants to offer a book deal or a tv gig – well, shucks, that would be utterly awesome – and I promise, we’ll reshoot every single picture of every single whatever just for them. But until then, the most important thing in my life is to spend time with my family – my kids – and to be INvolved. Not on the outside snapping perfectly perfect pictures, but to be in the moment – playing, crafting, reading, hugging – right alongside them.

Anyways, I just wanted to put it out there and to release other parenting bloggers from any form of perfectionism issues that you may have with your own blog. You’re beautiful – inside and out – and so is your family. So focus on togetherness instead, and your kids, and your partner, will thank you.

xo, Denine,

a slowly recovering perfectionist on her way to being a full time Healthy Striving individual.

P.S. Although this post is lighthearted in nature, it is by no means an attempt to minimalize perfectionism. And although I am fully committed to the idea of Healthy Striving, that doesn’t mean that it’s as easy as it sounds; as of 01/28/14, I’ve rewritten this post 6 times, and debated publishing it at least 10. 😉

To get a glimpse inside the mind of a perfectionist, read:

• 10 Steps to Conquer Perfectionism, a very funny, realistic take on it by THERESE J. BORCHARD from PsychCentral.com.
• When perfectionism becomes a problem, by Carey Goldberg.
• Inside the Minds of the Perfectionists, by Melinda Beck, WSJ.com

P.P.S. I also know that many of my fellow bloggers are having mini heart attacks right now because I said it’s okay to not always publish your best photos. I promise you that I fully understand that our photos speak volumes, but this post isn’t about making money, or getting sponsors, or nailing our very first book deal. It’s just about letting go…hugs!

0